After a long stressful week, I sat in my living room flipping from one channel to the other on this over priced boring cable TV, I pondered what I could do to pick up my spirit and turn my weekend around from gloom to zoom. I checked my wallet to find out my financial status, not much there.
Ok, I guess I’ll just go out anyways and get me some retail therapy. ATM to the rescue!
Slipped into my mini Ankara smoked tube dress, Gotta show off the tattoos, paid top dollars for them. Coach sandals on my feet, ‘original fake Hermes bag’ perched on my arm. Yes I said it, gasto belong, wetin!!!. Don’t turn up your nose at me o, you know you got one or two of ‘em fakies lying around somewhere in your closet. Perhaps we can compare prices and sources later. Not today though.
Got to the ATM point, Operation retail therapy aborted. Back to my wallet, I guess l’ll just have to manage till finances improve.
I find good ol’ mani and pedi quite relaxing and therapeutic especially with Maxwell serenading my soul, so off to my regular nail studio I go. At least my wallet can afford me that luxury.
Lagos traffic wasn’t so bad as I commuted to my destination in ‘GAGAworld” singing along to every song and almost oblivious of activities on the road:
“Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro
I’m not your babe; I’m not your babe, Fernando
Don’t wanna kiss, don’t wanna touch,
Just smoke one cigarette and hush
Don’t call my name; don’t call my name, Roberto…”
Saw the video some weeks ago, GaGalicious needs to stop ripping off my girl Madonna circa ‘86, so much for originality. But love her for daring to be different and breaking away from the clutter.
“You know that I love you boy,
Hot like Mexico rejoice, at this point I gotta choose,
Nothing to lose…”
Neways, Got to the studio, armed with the little cash In my fake bag, dramatically swung the door open, the air of all things calm and luxurious caresses my face, peeling my D&G frames (this one no be fake o, I saved for months to buy this one.) off my face (OK, all this in my head. No slow – mo movie moment actually, but a girl has a right to day dream) no one stopped to notice, pshewwwwww! see them yeye people!
Ok, I’ll try again, with my best fake confused American accent, I asked for my fav attendant.
“Awww, aunty!!! How are you? Did you travel?”
(Eyes rolling and responding loud enough so everyone can hear me): “nooo, I’ve been around, just been quite busy” (had to let everyone know I’m a busy sumbori) Oshi! (Nonsense in Yoruba).
I catch a glance here and there. Finally! Yes!
To my left, yellow, green and black cash madam on the phone not looking too happy, the whole of a Saudi gold shopping mall hanging from her ears, neck, ankle and wrist. Hmmm, when I grow up...
Settled into my fav spot facing the entrance so I can see everyone come in. Sink into the bliss of the nice worm feet soak, the water from the jets graciously licking my feet, sweet smelling almond oil caressing my senses. Maxwell plugged in, serenading my soul:
as the moments drip like water
I'll be patient for my slaughter
As the dawning slays the evening
I'll be waiting. I'll be pushing to pull me
Closer to you dear, deeper than gravity
Is how i must be near, I'll be hunting…
Off to lala land for the next 45mins, or so I thought.
Twah! Twah!! “You husband snatcher!!! Slaps flying everywhere. Yellow and green cash madam in action.
Hush Maxwell, hush! Live action ongoing, got to indulge the amebo in me. So I put him on hold.
“Finally, I caught you today”, twah! Twah!! More slaps across the face”. Cash madam already turned orange, pink and purple all at once.
No identity registration required, no clearance from the watch tower, just straight up launch in the air. Grabbing every inch of the lady she could lay her hands on.
Big trouble in little Lagos.
: are you crazy? Who the hell are you and who the fcuk is your husband? “who is this crazy woman?
(Ode oshi, asking question, instead make she run or slap her own back, she stand there dey yarn fone, mumu oshi!)
Fone speaking Sisi Ajebutter clearly traumatized and caught off guard. For a minute I was very upset, not at what was going on but the fact that she had the effrontery to possess a better fone speaking ability than I did. Anyways sha, we’ll get to that some other time.
Back to the drama.
“I will finish you today, useless girl, you will not go and find your own husband!!!” wrapper slipping of her heavy duty bakasi revealing a black slip and darker shades of the rainbow running from her thigh to her feet. Now, It was my turn to be traumatized.
Acrylic claws sunk deep into Sisi Ajebutter’s wavy human hair, cash madam tugging furiously like her life depended on it. I imagined the hair ripping off into cash madam’s hands, no luck. Thanks God it was not one of those badly glued on lace front wigs.
Deep screams from pain and plea to stop all mixed together like a demon begging to be left alone in its host. Attendants holding madam back, getting in between them, and pleading for the madness to stop. Amebos like me transfixed with eyes wide open like satellite dish and jaws on the floor.
“I will lock you up, I will deal with you”, her skin tone changing with every curse and rant like a disco light.
Really glad I stepped out of the house. Enough of Kendra and the Kardashian reruns, this is the real deal.
“Madam, take am easy o, this is our regular customer o, no be her name be that o, na me dey do her nails wen she come here, I don know this aunty tey tey”.
“What do you mean, I know her, were you not the one I saw in my husband’s car?!!!” so this is where you come to spend my husband’s money? You greedy harlot, I will finish you!!!
Studio owner comes in and calms everyone down. Drivers license produced for identification, phone calls were made to verify name and other relevant details. Cash madam now satisfied she got the wrong lady.
Turns out it was a clear case of mistaken identity. Cash madam has been searching for the other bone her top dog is chewing on the side. Rainbow colored “Jacqui Clouseau” has a vague idea of what the lady looks like but apparently not 100% sure as the lady was only pointed out to her from a distance.
Unfortunately for fone speaking Sisi Ajebutter who walked in barely 10 minutes ago, she had some sort of resemblance to the side bone she had issues with.
Identity matter resolved, Plastic nails, files, buffers, broken nail polish bottles, spilled acrylic liquid and powder all swept and mopped off the floor, magazines, tables and chairs returned to their rightful spots, cash madam settles back in her chair. She informs Sisi Ajebutter of how lucky she is, and then ordered her out of her sight. She stretches out her legs and instructs the attendant to continue what she was doing.
No apologies, nothing, back to good ol’ pedi. Someone please slap me, pleeeese! I must be dreaming!!!
Disheveled and still weeping, Sisi Ajebutter starts talking into her phone, obviously reporting the incident to her Voltron. She scurries out of the studio like a mouse running from danger and that was the end. At least that I witnessed.
The studio went dead silent. Only sounds of Chris Brown chanting 'I can transform you' coming from the TV on the wall, nail filing, distant sound of water gushing from a tap, the hum of the pedi chair and occasional coughs and whispered instructions could be heard. The fear of cash madam is the beginning of wisdom.
I was appalled and furious at the injustice I just witnessed and wondered if cash madam had any soul left in her or if she had a daughter.
Maxwell and I were done for the day. I dismissed him and switched off my itouch altogether. Don’t like his new hair cut these days anyways. I love me a man with plenty hair on his head to grab onto when I’m intensely happy… or angry.
I prepared myself for the most difficult task of the day as I walked towards the O.P.I nail polish rack, Wine and Dine Me, Here Today, Aragon Tomorrow, Suzi Skis In The Pyrenees… who names these colors anyway? I finally settled for a color I was sure would not get me fired at work or give my clients a reason to draw the cross sign across their body whenever they see me. 5 minutes later and upset I did not get the therapeutic experience I paid for, my business at the studio was done and it was time to skedaddle.
Stepping outside, I looked around to see if Sisi Ajebutter was lurking around or had gone to bring her battalion to deal with cash madam, no sign of her anywhere.
Checking to make sure I had my id card or drivers license nearby, I Wondered what Sis Ajebutter was up to and what I would have done if I were in her shoes, Realizing that Gaga and I were also through for the day, I got into my car and decided to go home with Linkin Park:
I see pain, I see need
I see liars and friends,
Abuse power with greed
I had hoped, I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
You will pay for what you’ve done!
No, No more sorrow,
I’ve paid for your mistakes,
Your time is borrowed
Your time had come to be replaced!
I found out weeks later when I went back for a refill that Sisi Ajebutter came back with her Voltron and some military men, swollen faced and a plaster or two but cash madam was long gone. Studio owner finally brokered peace between them as Sisi Ajebutter turned out to be well connected too. Kisses were planted on cheeks, a few pats on the back here and there, military men got their mobilization fee and everyone went home happy. All these rich people sef!? If na me I for no gree o, she must pay me 100million Naira for assault, battery, damages to my person and reputation, intention to cause grievous bodily harm and for being a public nuisance.
After all, I deserve a real, original Hermes bag.
